Last Tangle in Aires

If you ever want to feel like a big, fat, un-coordinated, gigantic-footed, stumbling clod (and who doesn't?) try dancing tango with an Argentinian.

I have discovered on my visit to Buenos Aires that Argentinans are, almost invariably, lithe, attractive, graceful and could probably tango straight from the womb. I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I am not lithe, attractive or graceful, and I when I dance I look like a drunk Pillsbury Doughboy. For these EXACT reasons, I chose to see a tango SHOW, where I could sit unobtrusively in the audience and watch other people be graceful. If I had wanted to dance, I would have gone to one of the approximately 15.6 million tango dance halls in Buenos Aires. There's one in the bathroom of my hotel room. It's not as if I couldn't find one if I'd wanted.

But of course when I went into the bar where the tango show was taking place, I discovered it was the size of a shoebox and had three tables. (It was recommended by the couple running the hotel where I'm staying. They didn't mention the fact that you could have fit the entire dance floor onto a TV tray.)

As soon as I walked into the door, I felt an icy finger of terror run up my spine.

"Oh God," I thought to myself, "they are going to make us come up and dance with them." It was far, far too small for me to remain hidden and anonymous in the audience. But by then it was too late. I was already being led to my table. It was some comfort that I was seated next to a Korean man who, if anything, looked even more mortified than I was. He obviously knew what was awaiting him, too.

But it was supposed to be a SHOW. A SHOW. I looked at the little brochure I'd picked up in the lobby of my hotel. It even said "Tango Show" right on it. I had been led like a lamb to the slaughter.

Suddenly there appeared on the dance floor an (of course) impeccably dressed, lithe, attractive couple who, despite having four square feet of space to work with, were quickly flipping and twirling and writhing and doing other various tango-related things. Someone once called tango "the vertical expression of a horizontal desire." After watching these dancers, I think that's fairly accurate. In fact, there were moments when I felt somewhat uncomfortable to be watching them at all. "Do you two want some privacy?" I wanted to ask.

There were a few more dances, then some singing, and I started to relax. "Maybe I was wrong," I thought to myself. "Maybe they WON'T make us dance."

But just then, as I was fiddling with my camera, I saw out of the corner of my eye some legs next to my table, and attached to them, a woman from the tango show. I pretended to be intensely focused on my camera, but then she said, in an oh-so-charming accent, "would you like to dance with me?" I couldn't even pretend not to understand her, dammit. She spoke English.

"Um."

You can't very well say "no." Not to a woman dressed to dance the tango.

She smiled at me encouragingly.

"I don't know how," I said, hoping this would end the conversation. But of course, none of the tourists ever know how, do they? That is why they bought tickets to a SHOW. People buy tickets to watch people doing something they CAN'T do. Otherwise we'd have movies about cleaning the toilet, not about car chases going the wrong way down the interstate.

"Then you will learn with me," she said. Oh she just had an answer for everything. Damn her.

Well what can you do? I didn't want to hide in the bathroom for the rest of the evening, so I got up and tried to tango. But every time I took a step I had to look down and make sure I wasn't about to crush her tiny feet. I couldn't have danced less gracefully if I'd been wearing skis.

"You can look up," she said.

"I am afraid I am going to step on your toes," I said.

"Oh, that will not happen." And she said this with the confidence of a woman who makes a living dancing with un-coordinated tourists and has thereby gained a kind of preternatural, toe-related sixth sense. And she was right, I didn't step on her toes even once. However, that is really the only positive thing I can say about my dancing -- it caused no one any injuries.