Death by buffet

If you ever go to China, there are a few things you can do to get ready for the trip. Good walking shoes are a must, a reliable guidebook is important, and it is helpful to know a few words of Chinese. However, the best advice I can give you is this - train yourself as if you were entering a competitive eating contest.

If you are fortunate enough to be a special guest in China (and Westerners are still enough of a rarity that you will be) you will likely find yourself invited to one, or several Chinese buffets. The word "buffet" has a casual connotation in America. In China, a buffet is much more of a high-class affair. Having just completed a gauntlet of four buffets in three days, I consider myself an expert and I'll give a quick rundown of what the buffetee can expect:

Part 1: The Entering of the Room
Restaurants in China (or at least the ones I've been to) are divided into small rooms, and each buffet party gets their own room.

As the honored guest, there is a specific place you should sit, which will be obvious to everyone in the room except you. There is definitely some complex hierarchy at work, but I was never sure what it was. The table is circular, and thus, all of the seats seemed to me to connote equal status, but apparently this was not the case. Wait to be directed to the proper chair. It is best to stand and grin while you do this. At least, it worked for me.

Part 2: The Ritual of Unwrapping the Dishes
Place settings in restaurants in China are shrink-wrapped. Each hygienic package contains a tea cup, a glass tumbler, a small plate, a soup bowl and a spoon. There will also be chopsticks, and, after some rapid-fire Chinese between the waitstaff and your host, someone will invariably bring you a fork and set it quietly next to your plate, but it is best not ask for a fork. You would be depriving your hosts of the distinct pleasure of watching you try to use chopsticks, which will delight them in the same way we find it enjoyable to watch bear in a tutu who has been trained to play a tune on the piano.

Use your chopsticks to puncture the wrapper and unwrap the place setting. Toss the wrapper over your shoulder onto the floor. Floor = trash can. If you don't follow this rule (which is hard to get used to at first) by the end of the meal you will have a pile of wrappers, napkins, and bones in front of you that will block your view of everyone else at the table.

Part 3: The Procession of the Food
At some point shortly after everyone is seated, waiters and waitresses will begin carrying in trays of food, and will continue to do this in a non-stop parade for the entire meal. The food will be placed on a rotating platter in the middle of the table which can be spun so that whatever dish you want can be accessed. As plates are emptied, new dishes are brought until you have consumed at least one serving of every dish on the menu.

As the guest, everyone will wait until you take the first taste of each new dish. While it is a charming custom it has a drawback, sense it is likely that you won't know how how to convey it to your mouth. Spoon? Chopsticks? Or it might be something that is supposed to be mixed with and or wrapped in something else. Sometimes it is something that is supposed to be mixed with AND wrapped in other separate things. Everyone will watch with great interest you try to figure things out.

Part 4: Ganbei!
Chinese people also love to toast their American guests. Often, the toast will include the word "ganbei" (dry glasses) which means what it sounds like it means. Bottoms up. If you are lucky, it will just be beer. If not, it will be maotai, a distilled rice wine with a high-octane proof. Seven Chinese people toasting one American = drunk American with chopsticks = fun for all. This is the ultimate calculus of the Chinese banquet.

In summary. Chinese hospitality is genuine. You will eat and drink with people who truly want you to have a good time, and no matter how badly you handle your chop sticks, your hosts will make you feel as though you can do no wrong.