A few thoughts prior to leaving

I decided to take a trip around the world for three reasons. First, I have a deep fascination and respect for the various cultures that make up the great human experience. Second, I had a lot of frequent flyer miles. And lastly (and perhaps most importantly) I wanted to explore dysentery as a potential weight-loss program.

Therefore, when I realized I had saved up quite a bit of time off at work and double-checked to confirm I was still unmarried and had no children, I decided to cram an extra pair of socks in a sandwich bag and hit the road.

Ha ha. Just kidding of course. It wasn't that easy. A trip around the world requires a surprising amount of advance planning -- things like finding the suitcase that the cat hasn't peed on, buying shoe inserts and doing lots of Google searches such as "tourist shootings at an all-time low in ". Don't forget the quotes.

Some would say that you shouldn't over-plan these things. Some would say let the road rise up to meet you. Some would say let the Earth be your guide. Let the dust of ancient civilizations soak into your pores until you become one with the great, unending cycle of human history. Those people are dumbasses.

The problem is that we've all been sold this idea by today's media that travel isn't really travel unless you end up sitting in some malarial swamp eating stew made from toad scrotums and spit and picking ticks the size of cantaloupes out of your hair. People aren't allowed to say "I went to Paris and stayed at the Westin" anymore because that just elicits a round of eye-rolling that implies you might as well have stayed home watching CHIPs re-runs and eating TV dinners.

Apparently, the theory goes, the rest of the world has now been so Americanized that unless you have to be inserted into your vacation spot by green berets, your trip overseas doesn't count. To me this seems like the ultimate irony because thanks to Netflix and pizza delivery, most of the time the only thing that gets the average American out of his or her home is a gas leak. In other words, it's easy to criticize someone else for not taking enough travel risks as you wedge another handful of Cheez Its into your mouth.

I, for one, don't want to hear it. Yes, admittedly, there are lots of places in the world where the influence of America is felt, where people cater to tourists and where toilet seats are sealed with "For Your Protection" wrappers. But I say, don't discount these places. I say, embrace your sanitized toilet (not literally) and your bottled water. For God's sake, at least you're leaving the house.