Paul is Dead

I've been very disappointed by the toilets in Australia. Despite what I've always been lead to believe, they do NOT flush in the wrong direction. I spent several minutes flushing yesterday with my digital camera at the ready and never once was I able to gather photographic proof of the supposed clockwise flush. I got some strange looks doing this, so maybe I shouldn't have been using a public restroom.

After spending several days staring at the Abbey Road poster in my hotel room, I suddenly realized that, encoded within it is a secret message. Brace yourselves. I think Paul is dead! See, he's got bare feet. And also, George is dressed like a gravedigger. This is all very significant, especially when you're jet-lagged. It's such a tragedy. He was so young...

Lest you think Australian popular culture starts and stops with the Beatles, however, I want everyone to know that the American influence can be seen here, as well. Just yesterday I saw a gift shop selling "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts. Everyone in Utah will be happy to know that, once again, you are setting the international standard for campy hipness.

In another odd discovery, I have found that Detroit Tigers hats seem to the be latest fashion craze here. I see them in the windows of clothing stores all over town. I wonder if most people in Australia even know where Detroit is. Also, I want to know -- why the Tigers? Why not the Red Wings? I would think Australians would have a lot easier time identifying with hockey than baseball. After all, this is a nation founded by convicts, and I think 80% of the players in the NHL have arrest records.

I recently developed a blister on my left foot approximately the size of a grapefruit half. Due to this, I have been spending a lot of time today lying in my room watching TV. After several hours of this, I am lead to the unavoidable conclusion that Australian television is the worst on the planet. I thought British television was bad (four channels, all cricket), but it is nothing compared to the television here. Here it is four channels, but they show nothing except quiz shows involving fifth-graders. You might think this was national pride, a public demonstration of the highly educated nature of Australia's youth, but they seem to get most of the questions wrong. Australia may actually have stupider schoolchildren than the US (47% of whom, I read in a recent study, think Abraham Lincoln was the lead singer in REM). I vote we invade them now, while we are still smarter than they are.